All posts tagged satire

Fuck you, New Zealand Bill

I was walking along upper Lambton Quay this morning, when a paper plane soared out of the ninth floor of the Beehive and hit me.

 

This goes a long way to explaining a few things that the National Government has done since taking the tiller in 2008. Claire Browning over on Pundit so clearly shows a lot of the tomfoolery that they’ve gotten up to here.

But we’ve also got the following people putting their two cents in as well:

And there are a whole bunch more people whom I have missed out who are politely, and not so politely (I’m looking at you, Keith), pointing out the total and utter contempt that this Government has for the people of New Zealand, our democratic systems, and our environment.

When we look at it like this, the Fuck You, New Zealand Bill is the obvious next step.

Edited: Just added, and will continue to add people putting their two cents in.

Legal complaint to The Civilian

Miles, Miles & Partners
Private Bag 1337
Wellington, New Zealand

May 8, 2013

Mr Ben Uffindell
Editor, The Civilian
Christchurch, New Zealand

BY EMAIL

Dear Mr Uffindell,

I write on behalf of my client, a Mr. Jackson James Wood, with regard to repeated incorrect quotations from him by your publication, The Civilian.

Specifically, over the last six months, Mr Wood has never once been quoted as saying anything in your publication. This is patently untrue and incorrect, and construes a slur upon Mr. Wood’s reputation.

Over the time in which he has been not quoted by your publication, Mr Wood has in fact spoken on several occasions — and, on more than one of these occasions, I myself have been present and heard the comments made.

Only yesterday, over a curry in the dead city of Wellington, Mr Wood made several pithy remarks regarding the changeable weather and the state of Cricket in this country. None of these were reported in The Civilian, giving your readers the clear implication that Mr Wood had said nothing at all.

My client is extremely concerned your implication he is mute, totally devoid of speech, or just extremely socially awkward, is an unwarranted and frankly scurrilous accusation which holds no basis in fact. Given the high standing of your publication in New Zealand’s media landscape, we are gravely concerned the people of New Zealand will begin to see him as less eloquent than he truly is. Indeed, I have already received several inquiries, arising from your inaccurate non-quotation, from the public around the mute or otherwise status of my client, including one from a Mr. C Craig of Auckland who was wholly taken in by your lack of comments.

I have in my possession signed affidavits from Mr Wood’s mother, myself, and the “dude” who makes him coffee in the morning testifying my client can talk, talks often, and, in some cases, too much. In fact, I have sometimes wished he would just shut up. Moreover, the statement from Mr Wood’s mother is very clear that his ability to speak and sometimes even to form complex sentences has been ongoing since the age of sixteen.

My client asks if you even know who he is?

In order to rectify this egregious oversight in future, I hereby demand on behalf of my client that The Civilian, at its own cost, employ a sufficient number of stenographers so as to follow my client at all times to record his comments, and ensure that he is henceforth quoted fully and correctly in your publication.

We also require that The Civilian, again at its own cost, collect, obtain and publish a transcript of all of Mr. Wood’s remarks to date so as to correct the current, incorrect, state of affairs.

If these demands are not met, Mr Wood will have no option but to give consideration to baseless legal action and the drawing out of further ridicule onto himself.

It is my hope that this matter can be resolved to our mutual satisfaction.

Yours sincerely,

Daniel J Miles
Non-attorney at law
@danieljmiles

ON BEHALF OF

Jackson James Wood
Layabout
@_jjw_

Employment Relations (Siestas for Everyone) Amendment Bill

Employment Relations (Siestas for Everyone) Amendment Bill by Jackson James Wood

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF RICHARD PROSSER (PART 2)

For part one see here.

1.54 pm I was greeted at the airport by a man holding a sign with my name on it. He looked suspiciously like TV3 personality Ali Ikram (who may or may not be a terrorist. He doesn’t have a beard. I do. I must remember to shave it off when… if… I get back). I managed to take a photo of my on my tax-payer purchased iPhone before he spotted me. Continue reading →

A day in the life of Richard Prosser (Part 1)

3 am Suddenly awake. Screaming. Sweating. I had had a terrible dream. I had been on a plane with a terrorist. I could tell he was a terrorist due to the fact he had a towel on his head. The scene dissolved into that of a sauna. What am I doing in a sauna with a terrorist? I slap myself. Again. Harder. I’m awake. Calm. I calmly take out the Walther PPK out from under my pillow, calmy. With calmness I stroke it. Sleep comes back to me. Continue reading →

Job application with spine

ansell ad

Photo supplied by Dave @Custard_Square

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Jackson Wood
Date: 12 February 2013 10:58
Subject: Job application with spine
To: John Ansell

Dear John,

A bit of a dreary way to start a letter, what with all the connotations about heart wrenching break ups from afar. However, John, this is not a break up letter. It could be, in fact, the beginning of a long and prosperous relationship. Continue reading →

NZ bloggers in fish fight

Well known internet satarist and Labour hack Scott “Imperator Fish” Yorke today launched an attack on long time tiddlywinks commentator and self-styled media/politics guru Martyn “Bomber” Bradbury.

Yorke’s opening salvo consisted of a blog post which claimed Bradbury had announced plans to open a chain of real estate offices throughout Auckland.
Continue reading →

Dr Brash is dead. Again.

@DrBrash, the Twitter celebrity beloved by left and right wing alike, has finally called it quits. He has rapped his last #BrashRap. He has broiled his last #FurChicken. He has hashed his last hashtag. He has tweeted his last Tweet.

“At 1:40 this afternoon @DrBrash sent his final tweet,”  said Jackson Wood (@_jjw_) a spokesperson for the good doctor.

Another spokesperson for @DrBrash said that much like his real life counterpart — Dr Donald Brash — the @DrBrash Twitter account seemed to be malingering.

“He’s really just been lazing around the last couple of months since the election,” Joshua Drummond (@josh_drummond) said. “He’s been all getting into trouble and not really focusing on the issues close to his heart and shit.”
Continue reading →