Quinovic said I stole a hose. It was the last straw in a two month ordeal to end lease agreement.
———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Jackson James Wood
Date: 19 May 2014 20:31
Subject: Re: Frederick St Final Inspection
To: Evil Property Manager Person <email@example.com>
Hi [Evil Property Manager Person],
The hose is no longer on the deck. I’m not disputing that. In fact, I told you it was missing. That the hose has gone does not mean that “someone from [my] end must of taken it”. Let us think about a few things first before we jump to such nasty allegations to my reputation.
Firstly, the hose was there when we moved out and went overseas (16 March). It was not there when I went to do a final look around last week (13 May). I bought your attention to the mysterious missing hose in an email that same day.
The flat has been empty for over two months. I showed a handful of people around the place the week before last in the hope they would take over the lease. I didn’t frisk those people, but I am pretty sure that none of them managed to secret the hose out of the apartment. It also seems weird that someone would break into an empty apartment, in what is a fairly secure building, and steal a hose and leave no trace.
Presumably over that two month period, Quinovic were also showing people around the apartment. Now, I’m not coming out and saying that your staff have anything to do with this, but have you conducted extensive background checks on all your staff members to ensure that they’re not serial hose thieves?
It may surprise you to find out that I wasn’t overly attached to the hose at [previous address]. I didn’t really feel any form of attachment to it at all. In fact the attachment on said hose was a little bit broken and would shoot off explosively sometimes and spray me with ice cold water. This may have lead to a cooling of my feelings toward the hose, but tensions did not get chilly enough for it to warrant a kidnapping.
Also, my new place has a perfectly good hose. It works really well for doing all those things that a hose should: watering the garden, washing the car, just spraying into the air to make rainbows on sunny days. Oh the fun times I have already had with the hose at my new place.
Here are some other alternative theories as to where the hose has gone:
1) the hose has simply fallen off the balcony and dropped down into the garden below. As I don’t have keys to the property any more, would be please be a sport and go check that out before you try and charge me for it.
2) the creepy neighbour next door, who we complained about on 30 January 2014, used an elaborate contraption made from a large bamboo rod, a gin trap, and heavy gauge nylon fishing line to steal to hose so that he could do creepy things to creep out his new neighbours.
3) A pterodactyl swooped down and seized the hose and is now using it as part of its nest/watering its bromeliad garden. It might be too dangerous to go and check this one out.
The point being, [Property Manager], who takes a hose? I didn’t.
I would prefer that you didn’t take this from my bond — after paying for an empty apartment for two months we could really use that money to help catch up on bills etc.