———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Jackson Wood
Date: 12 February 2013 10:58
Subject: Job application with spine
To: John Ansell
A bit of a dreary way to start a letter, what with all the connotations about heart wrenching break ups from afar. However, John, this is not a break up letter. It could be, in fact, the beginning of a long and prosperous relationship.
I saw your advertisement, John. You were seeking a spine – well, I have a spine. A good spine. A good white spine. If you need proof of this, I have attached an image of an x-ray I had a few years ago. It clearly shows one spine, white (Please disregard the Buzz Lightyear figurine. I don’t know how that got in there).
And you know what, John: me and my spine are tired of the Treaty Grievance Industry. I am tired of us good honest, white-skinned, blue-eyed, blonde-haired, aryan folk being made to feel like we’ve done something wrong just because our forefathers had the smarts to overpower the indigenous population with alcohol, religion, disease, guns, violence, imperialism and treachery. That’s all in the past. We’ve moved on since then. It’s almost been 200 years! It’s not like there have been any long lasting repercussions. I mean, my parents once had a house stolen by the state to build a bypass or something. Within a few years, the other grandparent died and they inherited another. See, things even out.
While I have no experience in battling multi-tentacled giant squid, I did once catch a fish. But you know what, John! This Maori joker came from nowhere and pinched it right out of my hands. As he took off with it he cried “Te Tiriti, kai a te kurī!”
I’m not sure what that means, John. My Te Reo isn’t up to scratch. But I am sure, from the devilish look in the cheeky darky’s beady eyes, that he was part of the Treaty Grievance Industry. Also, the business card he gave me “Rangi Jones — Treaty of Waitangi Lawyer and Tino Rangatiratanga terrorist” was a dead give away.
In your ad you asked for someone brave, John. I am brave. And I also like excitement. I hope that means we’ll go on adventures. Like Huckleberry Finn and Jim. We could, as a sort of protest, raft down the Waikato river creating all sorts of mischief! Oh what fun that would be. Bags being Huck.
You said on the advertisement there would be some abuse. Mainly from racists. But then you said it would be racists calling us racist. But if we say they’re racists for calling us racists doesn’t that mean we’re racists because we’re calling racists racists? Then what happens if they call us racist back!? I don’t know. I don’t like to think about racism, John. It hurts my head. We’re all just humans. It doesn’t matter what colour our skin is, or if that if it is light it means statistically we’ll live longer, have higher paid jobs, be less likely to be incarcerated, have higher educational outcomes, and that those benefits will increase over generations. Skin colour is just skin deep, right.
You say the position would suit an eccentric retired person. I’m perfect for you. Few who know me would not call me eccentric, and when my current employer finds this letter, I may inadvertently wind up meeting the other criterion too. I also have experience with shutting down gravy trains. Admittedly my mother was furious and claimed I ruined Christmas, but I knew then as I know now that it would pay off one day.
I am your rare bird, John. Rare, like how we would cook native wood pigeon (if it wasn’t for these PC laws that stop us shooting them).
I guess the biggest reason you should employ me as your assistant is that I live your ideal: I am colourblind. I see everything in black and white. There are no shades of grey in my world and that’s the way I like it.
Nāku noa, e hoa,