Tuesday, 5 May 2009, 2:39 pm
Press Release: Jackson Wood
Jackson James Wood Challenges Other Candidates
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Mt. Albert’s favourite second cousin and arguably front running candidate Jackson James Wood today challenged the other aspirants to a duel at dawn atop the mighty heights of Mount Albert itself.
“Too long have mainstream journalists ignored my presence in this race—in fact, the NZPA went so far as to deny I even existed. They have forced me to begrudgingly realise I must go beyond Wikipedia and Facebook to stamp my mark on New Zealand politics. As such, I will be atop Mount Albert at ten am—dawn Brisbane time—on the sixth of June, armed with a slingshot, ready to take all comers.
“The people of Mount Albert deserve someone who is going to lay down their life for the electorate and I am that person. By not accepting my challenge the other candidates would only prove that they’re nothing but a bunch of chickens.”
The press conference trailed off as Wood did a fine rendition of the chicken dance, replete with an expert imitation cluck.
When asked about the other candidates’ dueling abilities, Wood merely replied, “The only one I am worried about is Shearer. All that time in conflict zones means he might have picked up a few tricks.
“Boscawen’s money won’t do him any good, as we all know who the mercenaries are backing here, and Russel Norman should only be an issue if he also tracks down the earth, wind, water, and heart rings required to summon Captain Planet.
“My bet is that Melissa Lee won’t even turn up due to the risk of breaking fingernails, not to mention that her party leadership won’t be able to confirm her victory before the duel.
“I am however looking forward to a decent scrap with the Residents’ Action Movement.”
Wood’s campaign manager is currently in liaison with the other candidates to arrange a time to duel, choice of weapons, and potential terms of surrender.